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Wednesday, September 13th 2006
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it was a pretty sucky day. idk. things got to me. the depression was kicking in again. not good. but whatev, idk.
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| woo woo woooo |
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Tuesday, September 12th 2006
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wow juss got back from outside. wicked fun though. went to north park. then bicentenial. before that dunkin donuts. then back to north park. then went to my old elementary school. haha wicked old memories. i was with danielle and darron it was pretty awesome. and of course jay danielles "friend" that shes talking to lmao. alex was supose to go but guess not. idk what im doing tomorrow he wanted to hang out with me tomorrow but grrr my moms working so who knows?!?! but yeah darro nand i were leaving carroll then there was like someone in the bushes then we rannnn so fast lmfao i love darron hes my bessssssssst friend hehe. friends since likeeee forevvv yo. and danielle too. hehe but yeah anywaysss. i gots to take a shower. and clean my room which i said i was gunna do like 2 days ago. grrr im falling behind peoplessss. what am i gunna dooo. idk but i really gotta take a shower then call alex or something jussssssss cuz i miss him. AW HOW SWEET haha :] well buhhbyesss ttyl yooo <33
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| queers. |
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Monday, September 11th 2006
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theres no1 here on livejournal BUT i deleted my myspace. so you know what im just going to write in here every day i get. hey you never know it could help me vent out my feelings somewhat which i doubt because theres so much inside of me. so i was mad and deleted my myspace cuz IMA DUMMIE but ah whatev now cant go back lol. its for the good so whatev. that site is so damn addicting. it causes drama beyond a billion and idk im sick of it already. it does waste my life and i gotta stop coming to the computer so much. but whatever i need to get ready for school. maybe i'll go over alex's house today who knows. god theres so much on my mind i juss needa put it off until thursday.
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Monday, August 28th 2006
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school soon.
awesome, let the drama BEGIN.
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Tuesday, August 8th 2006
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stress.
is a major in my life.
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Monday, July 24th 2006
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im going to the doctors.
hope i come back out totally in one piece, inside and out >.
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Saturday, July 22nd 2006
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im at risk of becoming overweight.
that's all.
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Saturday, July 1st 2006
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damn mother effers dont even comment me anymore. HMP.
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Tuesday, June 20th 2006
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mood |
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ughhh :'[ i hate how my mom gets when shes mad. she said i ruined her iron which i didn't! so what does she do? she takes all my picture that i had on my bed and ripped then in half and crunched them. which was of my little cuzin lorelai that she took at some place and they we're really cute. i was going to put them on a board thing and put it on my wall today. but now i cant because they're all gone. the picture of me and my sister is ripped too. the thing my friend brittany made me is ripped in half. so yeah, everythings ripped.
im torn in between boys.
im trying to figure out how to do this shirt business now since shes banning me from the iron "becuz its so freaking broken"
im thinking of what i should do, call my aunt to ask to see if she has any more pictures, ask to go over, or just stay home cry and probably do something stupid.
i just got off the phone with philip and i was alright when i was on the phone with him but now im like blah.
its so fucking UGH UGH UGH already.
i wanna go on a vacation from all the fucking drama.
THIS IS WHY I WOULD LIKE TO GO TO DISNEY WORLD. and another reason is that i always wanted to go in the first place. but ANYWAYS even if i went on a vacation with my family there would be drama between my parents or my sister. so would it really be called a "vacation" ?
do you know why i really am determined to raise enough money for me to go to disney?
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Saturday, June 3rd 2006
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so heyyy its been really weird lately.
grrr i cant stand ppl and how they can get off by making fun of my religion.
thats really low.
tons of ignorant people.
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Wednesday, May 31st 2006
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mood |
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so i cant get a kitten.
i have no control over ANYTHING.
this is so queer.
i so feel on lockdown. im losing friends. gaining enemies.
although i aint getting kool with enemies. im trying to have less of them and more of friends or at least i wanna be kool with the person. just a few more ppl on the ok list for me. to make it easier.
my parents dont want me going out with wayne and ugh i really do like him!!
why do they gotta do this to me. idk what to do ANYMORE.
i wanna brake down and cry.
i wanna get skinnier.
mmmmmmmmmmhmmmmm no more fat caitlin. that would be niceeeee.
i wanna be pretty. i gotta be perfect for everyone. cuz then when i aint no1 will love me or like me and i just AINT good enough for them. i gotta be perfect for my parents so they can love me. i just aint perfect. so i gotta try to be.
whatev.
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| the longest i think i ever written on here.. |
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Friday, May 19th 2006
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today was a trip down memory lane !!!
i had to go bring something to my sisters skool to give to her while everyone was in skool and stuffff. which was my old skool. oh god wicked old memories. teachers still remember me. probably becuz i was sucha teachers pet and got picked on the most >.> *embarrassed* well w/e i guess.
so yeah someone ims me and starts shit. someone from last year who started shit with me. i cant deal with this shit u know? i shouldnt get so upset. she starts with me no for reason. plus she used to last year. i shouldnt care. karma does come back around you know. i just cant wait until she realizes it. ha, it'll be funny one day im older driving by seeing her on the streets tryna get money to support her baby and tryna get on maury to find out her real babys daddy!
idk, i just believe what goes around comes around. and its true. well on my part it is.
but yeah she imed me starting shit outta nowhere. i felt like cutting for some odd reason.
what i use to do when stuff like this happened last year. ugh the memories. i hate talking about it. the only person i have told since that time was jessica. and i could barely tell her becuz it hurt sooo bad just all those bad memories. i felt bad becuz i could barely tell her and stuff. right now it feels like shes the only true friend i have, it really hurts. but who knows something could happen. and then ill be all alone like i use to be. all by myself. all becuz of me. i honestly think im a horrible friend. im so useless and helpless. i feel like im always the victim of a situation and then somehow it seems to turns and the outcome usually turns out to be me the cause of it. things are so confusing for me. i need advice on life. and things what to do and what not. i think jessica has pretty much substituted being the therapist for me, :\ . i feel bad though you know. talking to her about all my problems. people get sick of hearing other peoples stuff sometimes. it gets old. i just want things to go on the right path and stuff. i wanna be happy like i use to be. i wanna fill the empty void in my life that feels so awkward and alone. i want someone to be there for me. idk what it feels like to have a long friendship. they all betray me. things arent good for me. maybe im just a cursed child. if this is the way the rest of my life is going to be, then i dont wanna live it at all.
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Wednesday, May 17th 2006
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omg this week has been horible. i lost my camara. my sister stole things from my pocketbook. ive been depressed all week and wicked emo. im a bad friend becuz i annoy my friends away. everyone seems to be happy besides me. i cry every day, morning day and night. i wake up early and do track then go home take a shower then straight to bed. i've been so tired lately. i feel like im giving way too much and getting so little. it hurts. it seriously does. i think i try to hard to keep friends from past experiences. i wish i could be put on some antibiotics. like anti depressants. or fucking bipolar pills. or put-to-sleep pills. yeah that would be perfectlllllly fine with me. i hate looking in the mirror. im so ugly. how can people like me? why do they like me? i think they just do it so they wont be mean. i hate being depressed. i hate the feeling of being a lone.
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Friday, May 12th 2006
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jessica said caitlins a perfectionist.
shes a laaaaar, lmao.
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Sunday, May 7th 2006
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ew. my live journal is ugly.
and im losing my best friend.
to someone else.
and i have my period.
i gotta to my shoptimes.
i was tanning outside today and i put a star and a moon on my leg and it kinda worked out i guess. i was with my mom. and i went to go eat with my sister. im a total loser. my boyfriends with his friend. i might get a nextel who knows.
im so ugh. i just want things to be perfect. PERFECT PERFECT PERFECT.
perfect LIFE.
perfect LOVE.
perfect MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
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Thursday, May 4th 2006
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i am so unbelievably happy right now.
im 100% positive that he likes me. ahhhh its so cute. he says the cutest things to me :] every other guy use to say cute things but they were always the same. it was the stupiest obvious ones like "your my everything" and " idk what i would do without u " well funny or not, every one of my boyfriends said that to me. and i know me and him arent going out yet but he says the cutest things that no one ever told me before. i really like him so much. and when im with him im extremely shy for some odd reason. i wish i could get over it. hopefully ill have a good day today. lately graphic arts hasnt been my thing at all. people have been being so mean to me. its like they dont care. but whatever. people are people.
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Sunday, April 30th 2006
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ugh i like him so much. and its like killing me. it seriously is. i fucking dont know what to do. all i know is that i cant wait for track tomorrow. i wanna cryyyyyyyyyyyyy
idk if he even likes me.
im ugly.the end.
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Friday, April 28th 2006
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SO FAR THIS DAY HAS SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i fucking wake up and wait no actually i was freaking sleeping then MAGICALLY my door unlocks and gets pushed open a little then a little more and guess who the fuck it was. it was my fucking SISTER. I DONT KNOW HOW THE FUCK SHE GOT MY FUCKNIG KEY TO MY DOOR BUT SHE FUCKING DID! so yeah she came up with this wicked lame excuse saying mom told me to get you up becuz aint you late for skool?
BUT MY FUCKING MOM KNEW THAT I HAD NO SKOOL TODAY. shes sucha dumbass. i fucking hate her and my parents. my parents are just as bad. they let her take the fucking key. HOW FUCKING DUMB CAN YOU BE. i wanna fucking flip the fuck out on one of them right now. well i did at my dad but IIIIIIIII ME ME EME EMEMEMEMKMEKMEMKEMEMEMEMEM GOT FUCKING IN TROUBLE. what the fuck. i hate him. and i hate everyone else too. im so glad im going out today with my cuzin. whatever. who knows. i havent even seen him in a fucking 3 years but WHATEV TOO!! everything is going FINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
[ JK ]
plus the fact that me and philip are over. we're really over. my feelings have seriously changed. and i cant fucking explain it to him. i cant stand this. i want to fucking flip out. im so pissed right now. i seriously have soo much anger built up inside me. this is realllllllllllllllllllll bull shit. ugh. fuck people already. im so done.
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Wednesday, April 12th 2006
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today after track i cried in the girls bathroom. i cried in the truck when my dad was talking to me. i wanna cry right now. fgdfgdfh
friends are fake. i hate friends. i got so hurt by so many friends before i had it. im done with trust. if u want trust from me then tough shit. idc. and im sorry for all of my good friends. i just cant take this anymore. it hurts to know that today i fucking lost so much wtf. trhgfh i lost the mask i made in english to a shit felt one when i took hours and hours making it . it was so nice. i won shit. i lost my history book. i was "trying" to compete against my friend running 400 but she fucking passed me. and to top it all off. i feel like i fucking lost her. its over. im over. im done. i feel like shit. everything in my life i lose. im a loser. i think im the definition of a loser actually. no one cares. and im glad its that way. what would i do if they cared? what would i do if i had ten billion friends? what would i do if i was a somebody? which im totally not. i have shit for a best friend. i get treated like shit all the time. i wanna cry. AGAIN. i fucking hate high school. i fucking hate school period. i wanna crawl up in my bed and never have to leave. i hate people. i hate girls. i hate liars. i hate fights. why cant people just make things easy. why do they have to make it so difficult. I would like to see whos reading this all. who actually cares to see what I'm writing about. I hope nobody. Which I'm probably right. I wanna go run. run run and run. run and not look back. run 1 mile then 2 then 3. then tomorrow I'll be perfect. I'll beat her. and I'll beat to other team. I got to focus. Im gunna win first place for at least something tomorrow. I'm not going to lose something else tomorrow. I'm gunna gain a victory. First place. The day we come back from vacation, they'll say my name on the intercom. I'll be so proud. People will know me. I'll be recognized. I'll make first place. I will. I promise.
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